My hand writes my heart
I am writing this article with the hope of searching for inner peace and reflection. Writing is therapy. Writing is the focus at the moment, gathering my chaotic thoughts and idea and searching my soul for an answer to life. It is a solution to something that troubles me, bothers me from a sound sleep and stops me from feeling peaceful.
I lost my inner peace because today was the last day of my trip back home. I haven’t been back to Hong Kong for almost two years now. Due to the covid situation and other stupid government policies, I could not travel freely and move around. I stayed in Singapore, 4 hours away from my family and girlfriend. I hadn’t seen them for so long. I was supposed to be excited back home in Hong Kong, yet, it was a strange feeling that I could not express in simple words. I feel frustrated, sad and lost, but there is no logical reason to feel this way.
Instead, I should feel grateful. My family is still here, and my girlfriend is still safe and talks to me. But Hong Kong is not the same. Everything has changed. I don’t want to get in trouble for writing about politics. Things are getting worse and worse, which is understood already. That is part of the reason for my sadness. But this is external. No, I should search internal in my heart for the main reason, I think I am disappointed in myself. I don’t feel I have met all the expectations. I mean, the world is simple if I only live by myself. It is peaceful to quarantine myself for a week at a hotel, away from work or others. Just with myself, it is peaceful not to think about relationships.
However, I have to face reality. I could not escape and avoid those relationships forever. Once I am out of my comfort zone. I have to deal with my relationship with others, including my family, my girlfriend, my colleagues, and my friends. I have been escaping from those responsibilities by using the covid situation as an excuse. I have been avoiding all the trouble by keeping a long distance. But now, I am back home and have to meet them again at a close distance, disturbing my inner peace. Now, let me break down each relationship and do the analysis.
Firstly, my family is good. It is good to be back home. And my parents are getting old, retiring, and I need the courage to face this fact. One day, they will pass away. Before that, there will be health issues and financial issues. And I have to take care of them. But I don’t know-how. I mean, we are still staying relatively independent now. Things are still okay for me to stay and live far away from them. They are in Hong Kong, while I am four hours away from them in Singapore by flight. It is still manageable if not because of the stupid covid policy. It is common for grown-ups to live far away from their parents. My thinking limits our horizons when we only focus on Hong Kong in this small area. Even when people live in a vast country, they move around to other cities different from their parent’s old town. It is not the main issue.
Secondly, my girlfriend wants to get married. She is still in Hong Kong and doesn’t feel like immigrating yet. It is understandable as her single mother is getting old too, and she doesn’t want to move away from her. Our thoughts limit ourselves, and our thinking is different. It bothers me as we don’t see the world through the same lens. I need someone to understand me. At least, she needs to agree with me to move outside. My idea to stay away from home town is evident from a political point of view. It is the ugly truth, yet, it is not apparent if people have a different political point of view and turn a blind eye to it. Many people may not be interested in politics and choose not to understand it altogether. Once she could see this political situation, then the motivation to emigrant should be higher from my point of view. I still haven’t been able to convince her and sort this out. People are stubborn and stay with their thinking. I cannot change people if they are not willing to change.
Thirdly, I want to write about my relationship with myself. I am unhappy with my physical appearance with hair lost while getting old. I am not happy with my social status and not being an as successful person from the traditional definition. I know I should not compare myself with others. There is less social pressure when living in another country and not competing with our peers. There are different definitions of success and different ways of life. Yet, when knowing the external factors of old friends and classmates, it is hard to resist the temptation to compare, who got married already, who earned more money, which is more successful from the Asian narrow point of definition. It is hard to escape the culture when this is something deep inside society.
I am not successful in traditional values: I have not married and don’t own a car or a house. I work in a startup nobody knows, and even my parents don’t know what I am doing. They can’t be proud of me, and I don’t want to be a failure. Yet, I don’t feel I have reached my full potential. I think I lack something that bothers me and lose inner peace. I should stop and meditate now.
Originally published at http://victorleungtw.com on May 1, 2022.